This year has been a very interesting year, full of surprises and lessons in
Stress, Control and Surrender.
I have been mainly living in Portugal and traveling back and forth to the UK to see some physical therapy clients. Last month I ‘decided’ that I would not do this anymore as it was Stressful and effecting by ability to really embrace being in Portugal. Furthermore, four months ago, I started being in a relationship which meant even more traveling. As the saying goes “Something had to give”. I have to admit I agonised over this decision for a long time.
Than something ironic happened it was taken out of my hands – out of my Control.
Are you in Control?
Numerous times over the last year and more intensely in the last month I am experiencing that nothing is really in my control. This has not been easy for me to acknowledge. However when I have, life gives me the most unexpected and much more beautiful and joyful beings – my partner, experiences, events and situations.
In August I took the opportunity to spend 4 1/2 days to do a solitary retreat. I was in the countryside looking after a freind’s house and land. The first two days I was amazed at how much anxiety and stress was constantly arising within me. There I was with very little to do, surrounded by beautiful nature and I was experiencing stress. What did I have to be stressed about? My mind could find lots of things to be stressed about. But in the moment there was noting to do, nothing to achieve and nowhere to go – absolutely no stress at all. I realised that I was creating the stress in my mind, by believing in my ‘to do’ lists that I have as part of my every day life.
It was in the fourth day that I realised that I was also creating the suffering – stress, around what I want to do in my life. With this I also realised that I believed that “I was in control” and “I have to be in control”. Sitting in such beautiful nature and watching the flow and cycles of life all around me I seen how foolish believing I was in control was.
Do you Surrender to Life?
It was in that moment that I saw that I was not Surrendering to life at all. I could also noticed that I had no idea how to do this; you see I thought I had surrendered – well at least more than I had done previously in my life.
What is Surrender?
But the truth is I am either in surrender or I am not.
There are no degrees to it and yet paradoxically there is more and more an acknowledgement of what surrender is, even though I still don’t know how to surrender.
I am not trying to confuse you – I know when I am surrendered and yet I do not know how to surrender. The closest understanding I have is that surrender is not something I do and it is not something I can understand with my mind. Surrender just is.
I want to continue to surrender as life is more enjoyable in surrender than when I am controlling it. My partner turned up at the moment I let myself surrender.
What is your experience of surrender?