When I sent out the “Im in hospital” email in April and when people found out that I had been, many people have offered to “do anything I need”. This really touched me. However the two people that I did reach out too said they were too busy when I needed them. For about 6 weeks this hurt more than the physical pain. I could not understand why these two people did not respond to me asking them for company. It took a lot for me to pick up my phone and tell them that I needed company and I felt that I could not drive to them.
I completely reacted to this and an old, very used, program kicked in –
‘I am all alone, nobody gives a shit, so I might as well just get on with it’.
So I shut myself of and I did not ask or tell anyone anything. After a while I reached out to my brother and went to his house for the day; which was good. I had not asked him before because he had been unwell and so had my mum.
What was amazing was that people I did not think would be there for me showed up, I appreciated this very much, but it did not stop the old programming kicking in.
What I have learned
What I have realised is that I thought, maybe even expected the two people to be there for me. And it was this expectation that caused my pain.
When I felt more at peace in myself I was able to go and talk to one of the two people about how I was feeling. This helped me know what was going on for them and understand myself more.
Other friends have said to me that they did not realise that I was feeling so bad and experiencing difficulty. So I have learnt to express my needs and wants more clearly. If the person cannot meet my needs, it may be for lots of reasons. If I take it personally without even asking them why or trying to understand whats happening in their life this just causes me more pain and hurt. In another words it is my choice to feel hurt, and the chances are I have made up the reason for being hurt by taking it personally.
I hope that I am aware of other people’s needs and that I will know when someone needs me and have the wisdom to know when I need to be there for them and when I need to meet my needs first. Experience has taught me that when I give freely without an agenda or expectation, I get so much out of the experience.
What expectations are causes you pain?
What expectations are controlling your behaviour and stopping you from experiencing true connection / engagement / intimacy with yourself and others?
Please share and lets help each other become more aware of what we are creating in our life and in the life’s of the people around us.